I had a day to remember yesterday.  I’m getting ready to head over to Rikers Island as my homey Papoose is going to get hitched to Remy Ma. Now Remy is in the joint for cappin’ a friend of hers outside a club and is doing a 25 year stretch on The Rock. But Papoose loves Remy so much that even the jail house walls can’t stop his commitment to her and wants to get married right there outside her cell block.  So I load up my Hoop-Dee and head down to Park Hill in Staten Island to pick up the Wu Tang Clan and off we go with our best jeans around our thighs and plaid boxer shorts freshly pressed we head off the wedding of the year. We pull up to gate and the guard looks in and asks us to state our business. I let him know “Yo, Yo, we are here for the Papoose-Remy Ma wedding” The guard then tells us the awful news that the wedding was off. “What?” I say nearly dropping the fatty I just rolled, “What do you mean it’s off?” I got Al Sharpton on speed dial don’t let me hit the button” The screw then tells me that Papoose tried to smuggle a handcuff key into Rikers and now he’s been banned for six months from visiting Remy.  Wow, I needed a shot a Hennessey after that. But my day got worse.

 

My cell phone starts ringing about 10:30 last night and I look at the call ID and it says FIGGY:

 

Me: What’s up? Tough night eh?

 

Figgy: (sobbing) y-y-y-eah (sobbing some more)

 

Me: Figgy, are you crying?

 

Figgy: (sniffing back snot into his head) no, no I’m ok. (then the crying starts again)

 

Me: hey, it’s alright sure you pitched like shit tonight but you have to work on getting through the batting order a second time around I guess your pitches are too predicable and…………………………

 

Figgy: NO NO IT”S NOT THAT! THEY WERE MAKING FUN OF ME AND DOING CHEERS TO DISTRACT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Me: Look make up your mind. If the fans boo you’re pissed off, now the cheer and your upset, shit get over it will you?

 

Figgy: NO, not the fans. The Nationals. They were doing cheers in the dugout and laughing at me I’M SOOOOOOOOO UPSET  (Now Figgy is bawling)

 

Me: The Nats were cheering you mean like in Little League “We want a pitcher not a belly itcher type of thing?

 

Figgy: Yes

 

Me: So what did you do?

 

Figgy: Uh I told the media about it.

 

Me: You told the media? You mean you didn’t throw a pitch at someone’s ribs? Or when you were taken out of the game you didn’t’ go over to the Nationals dugout and call out the head cheer leader? Who was cheering by the way?

 

Figgy: Eljah Dukes and the Milledge kid. No I just walked off the mound

 

Me: Dukes and Milledge? Damn those two wanna be gangsta’s?  Figgy, you’re from Coney Island bro, one of the toughest places in the country. If that shit happened on Surf Ave you’d take them under the Boardwalk and beat their phony asses  Why didn’t you tear them up?

 

Figgy: I-I-I- don’t know. You’re right I should have nailed Milledge with a fastball or even called Dukes out of the dugout and make him face me man to man but something was holding me back I don’t know what it was?

 

Me: Welcome to being a Met.

 

Figgy: What?

 

Me: It’s that uniform. It wasn’t always like that, back in the day the Mets never took any bullshit from anyone especially a bunch sorry ass players from a last place team and never ever on our home field. But sorry to say the last eight years, the Mets have let asteroid charged adulterous pitcher hit their star player in the head with a fastball and then a busted bat and have let teams dictated how they shake hands and play the game without retaliation something our Brooklyn upbringing would never let us do.

 

Figgy: I think you’re on to something

 

Me: You know why a no talent bullshit squad like the Nats plays you guys for chumps? Because the word is out that the only pair of balls on the team belongs to Billy Wagner. I hope you guys prove me wrong tonight and John Maine hits Milledge right in the ribs and starts a bench clearer just to prove to me and the rest of the fan base that you guys are sick and tired of being of push around.

 

Figgy: WOW you’re on to something maybe I’ll say something in the clubhouse before the game.

 

Me: Be careful about that Willie will accuse you of making waves.