You know, like Rickey BobbyI love the Baby Jesus and on this eve of his birthday and now that the news came down last night that the those despicable Highlanders of the South Bronx have flexed their economic muscle one again by signing Mark Teixiera to an auto company CEO contract of 8yrs/$180 mil I have asked the Baby Jesus to intervene to help us good people of the world. Not just us chosen people (Mets fans) but all of Baby Jesusâ€™ people (non-Highlander fans) to make the Bronx Robber Baronsâ€™ experience failure and to show all the good hard working baseball people that you canâ€™t buy a championship:
â€œDear Baby Jesus,
I just want to wish you a happy birthday and hope you get some really swell gifts this year, gee thatâ€™s silly right I mean youâ€™re the Baby Jesus and all things swell are from you so forget that. I come to you today with a very serious prayer. Now the last time I came to you with a serious prayer was 35 years ago when I prayed to see what those fleshy mounds were under Karen Espositoâ€™s sweater and to this day I thank you every day for that, so you know Iâ€™m not one of these chronic prayers.
What my prayer today is I want you to stop the evil and destruction the New York Highlanders are perpetrating on baseball. Now I know your reaction is going to be, â€œis this idiot seriousâ€ and your right (as you usually are Baby Jesus) with all the suffering, war and dispair going on in the world why would you want you the Almighty Baby Jesus to get involved with something so trivial like whatâ€™s going on in MLB? Well, Baby Jesus as you know too well, Iâ€™m a very simple guy and I have only a few great pleasures in life, looking at womenâ€™ body parts, laughing at people with toilet paper on their shoe when the leave a rest room and baseball. Iâ€™ve seen a lot of womenâ€™ body parts in my life and I thank you for that and just this past week I not only got to see a guy leave the Menâ€™s room at the Staten Island Mall with toilet paper on his shoe but also tucked in the back of his pantsÂ so I thank you for bit of juvenile humor but what I really, really want this Christmas season is for you to help make the New York Highlanders 2009 baseball season an out and out failure.
Now I know itâ€™s against your ways to do bad things to people so Iâ€™m not asking for major injury or something catastrophic but Iâ€™m on my knees and lighting candles and not those little 25 cent candles but the big $1.00 candles in fact Iâ€™ll make a deal with you, if by the last day of May 2009 the New York Highlanders have a .500 record or below Iâ€™ll drop a 5 dollar bill in that candle offering box. If by July 4th the Highlanders are in such disarray that they begin pointing fingers at each other I will never use the F word in your church when the second collection comes around.
Look Iâ€™m asking for a lot I know but with all that I also want for you to help my favorite team the New York Mets win 100 games and the World Series in 2009. Ok, ok that is a big big request and I agree I may have over stepped my prayer boundaries but think back 23 years ago when the Mets won a World Championship. We all had a good time then am I right Baby Jesus?Â Comâ€™on Â admit it, the parties are always better at the peasant camps than in the Royal Palace, so here is your chance to have the peasants dancing in the streets and teach the Royalty that they ainâ€™t all that.
You can go check my record. I send my kids to your school. I never miss a tuition payment. I work all the events at your church. I sell the raffle tickets, sell the candy bars, and work the Bingo games. I buy all your merchandise, beads, crosses, books and even when someone dies I go and buy the big commemorative Baby Jesus Mass Card. Iâ€™m not some fly by night follower of yours Baby Jesus; Iâ€™m a stone cold disciple so please Baby Jesus answer this prayer for me please. FAILURE FOR THE NEW YORK HIGHLANDERS AND A WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP FOR THE NEW YORK METS. God Bless us all! Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â